"Shut Up, Paige Turner": 3-D Movies

I went to see Hugo this weekend (great film, by the way) & I was set on not watching that movie in 3-D, which was hard because the only movie theater within a 15 mile radius had only two showings of the "2-D" version on Saturday. Every other theater had the 3-D version of the film, which I will not support & here are my reasons why.

For me, the 3-D image doesn't add anything to my movie experience. If anything, it takes away from it. I feel less immersed in the cinematic world because I'm aware that I'm in a theater. The best part about a film is getting sucked in, but with digital images flying at my face & pictures that look like I'm looking through a tunnel book, I fully aware that I'm in a moldy theater seat. For them to be called 3-D films & 2-D films is faulty. Films have always been in three dimensions. They've always contained depth & texture & we were watching movies just fine before 3-D came along.


There is something to be said about the flatness of the screen. It allows us to view the depth of the real world, but the picture's flatness allows us to get more involved in the narration, otherwise, it would be like seeing a play, where you're more aware of the reality of the real world. Psychologist Hugo Münsterberg wrote in 1916 about the pros of film's flatness. "We want to keep the interest in the plastic world & want to be aware of the depth in which the persons move, but our direct object of perception must be without the depth. That idea of space which forces on us most strongly the idea of heaviness, solidity & substantiality must be replaced by the light flitting immateriality." This flatness is a plus, not something that needs to change.

Good Movies Always Come in 3-D

Also, I don't like they way it alters the picture. The projectors for 3-D movies have to be dimmer for 3-D projectors & changing a 3-D projector to a 2-D projector requires a specialist to come to the theater, which cost thousands of dollars, so the theaters just keep them at their 3-D setting, making all films dimmer. Remember the time when the film could light up everyone's face in the theater, now it's a glow. Check it out next time you're at the movies.

Also, it's just another way for the studios to get extra money out of you, particularly if they're cheaply made 3-D films or animated films. Films like Avator or Hugo were shot with a 3-D camera that is highly technical & thus, highly expensive, making the hiked price a little understandable, but only a little. But for old 3-D films & newer films like Clash of the Titans, the film is sent overseas to digitally cut the film and layer it. That's why those films look like a science project diorama. You're paying for a poor product. As for animated movies, all they have to do is change a code, which is why all the animated blockbusters now are in 3-D, because it cost no extra money to make them that way.

You can keep on going to 3-D movies & I won't judge you, just do some research before you see a film & decide if the extra cash is worth it. But I will say this, if you badly need physical reality for your stories, go to a play & if you really want motion-sickness & objects flying at your face, go on a roller coaster.

"Shut Up, Paige Turner:" Bravo's Competition Shows

A couple of weeks ago, the TV network Bravo released its new reality-show, Platinum Hit. The show features singer-songwriters as they face challenges that test their creativity & drive with the end result being a $100,000 prize & a record contract. Challenges include writing a love song, creating a dance anthem hit, or creating the perfect road song. And I find this very vexing. A show seems to focus on quick writing & prescribed inspiration, which we can all agree, does not make a lot of great songs (for example, Huey Lewis & the News' song "I Want a New Drug" was written in a couple of minutes & it sounds like it.)

This isn't the first anti-process reality show on Bravo. In Work of Art: The Next Great Artist, contestants must spit out art in a day or two along with following a theme. In episode 5, the contestants must create a piece of art based on their Audi experience, because nothing is more authentic & true as a product placement. The challenges in Top Chef are creative but hardly practical. In the fourth episode of season two, the chefs must whip up dishes using only food from a vending machine, which happens all the time in up-scale restaurants. Just kidding, that never happens. The chefs at Pizza Hut won't even do that no matter how many tantrums & quarters I throw.

So, Bravo, I get what you're doing. You're trying to reach out to the TV viewing demographic who think reality shows like The Jersey Shore is the end of society, but I won't be tricked by you showing me images of lobster foam (who wants to eat lobster foam? I know I don't.) I don't doubt these contestants are creative. They would have to be! But, these shows make writing songs, creating art, & cooking food more about pleasing the buyer & sacrificing your aesthetic in order to win. We live in a world where instant satisfaction is a plus, but for me, instant art isn't a must. So, Bravo, until you create a reality show where these contestants can mull over their work for over a week, I'll put on my top hat & my monocle & say, "Good day to you!"

"Shut Up, Paige Turner:" Apples

Apples: they keep the doctor away, much like garlic does to vampires. They make for great ciders & even greater pies, or they can be useful snacks because of their portability & sweetness. They have influenced our culture, more than any other fruit & probably more than any food. They show up in religious stories, fables, myths, & scientific discoveries.

One of the most popular use of the apple is in the story of Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden. Although the Bible never states that Eve picked an apple off the Tree of Knowledge of Good & Evil, the fruit is always represented in paintings & pictures as being an apple. This gives us the term "Adam's Apple" for the laryngeal prominence mostly seen in men & gave the reputation that the apple is a seductive, forbidden & evil (the Latin term for apple & evil are almost the same.)

Apples pop up in Greek Mythology numerously. The most known story resulted in the Trojan War. The Goddess Eris tossed a golden apple at a wedding party that said "for the most beautiful one." Goddesses Athena, Hera & Aphrodite all claimed the apple. In order to decide who should receive the apple, they asked the Trojan Prince, Paris, to be the judge. Athena & Hera tempted Paris with gifts, but Paris prefered Aphrodite's gift: the most beautiful woman in the world. He gave the apple to Aphrodite & she gave Paris Helen. Afterwards, throwing an apple to someone became a symbol of affection.

Hercules holding the apple
Hesprides; his eleventh task
was to fetch them from the
Tree of Life. 

Apples show up later in story telling. In the Brothers Grimm tale, Snow White, Snow White gets tricked by the Queen three times, but it was the Queen's third ploy, a poisonous apple, that killed the girl. In American folklore, Johnny Appleseed went around Ohio, Illinois & Indiana throwing apple seed as he walked (there was a real Johnny Appleseed, John Chapman, but he didn't wear a pot for a hat & he was a successful business man who grew orchards at new towns.) And let us not forget about Sir Isaac Newton, who came up with the theory of gravity when an apple fell & hit his head.

Now, why is one fruit so important? Why didn't Adam & Eve eat an orange? Why didn't Eris throw a golden pineapple? Why wasn't Snow White tricked into eating a poisonous kumquat? This isn't rhetorical; I'm actually asking why the apple plays such an important role? I also want to know what other tales & stories of apples being used as a plot device there are.

"Shut Up, Paige Turner:" Superhero Costumes

This will be a segment titled "Shut Up, Paige Turner," where I give commentary & criticism on whatever topic I feel like I have "something to say" about. In this post, I will be discussing superhero costumes. I wanted to write about this after re-watching "The Incredibles" & I realized that movie made good use of discussing superhero outfits with their creation of Edna Mode, fashion designer for superheroes. But, most superheroes don't have a designer or someone to sew their outfits, meaning that just about every superhero should be a contestant for Project Runway. If you think about it, Peter Parker doesn't ever have to worry about a job; he could easily get a job working for Ralph Lauren or Diane Von Furstenberg.

Batman using his trusty cape pattern

Also, it's good for superheroes to have a symbol. People feel safe when they see Superman's cape & criminals cower in fear at the sight of the Batman insignia. But having something so specialized means that its really precious & getting a cut, rip, or hole means hours at the sewing machine & I don't think superheroes really have hours in their day. Unless you're Bruce Wayne, you have to work 40 hours a week, fight crime at night, carry on a secret identity & you got shot at by some muggers the night before, so that means hours repairing the bullet holes in your outfit. Then you have to buy materials, go to the fabric store & hope that they have your color in. It may not be as cool, but I think it would be easier to fight crime in jeans & a t-shirt.

"Great! This is my last good costume & I have a final tomorrow"

Having more than one set of a costume is probably necessary, too. Running around all night, a hero will probably get sweaty & the costume will probably get a little funky. Something never mentioned in any of the X-Men films.